that sunday at work; 20 march 2022. after a while and so many things, a succession of life and lives and friendships exploding and ending, it just got to the point where all i wanted was a little fucking peace, brother. and after another while i would find it. in my own little world, in … Continue reading into the light – the return of the pan.
lgbtq
requiem for charles renteria, my uncle – a gay man born in 1932.
my name is pan ellington and i am the queer trans sun of martha renteria & harry young. i write this requiem in honor and memory of carlos renteria, my uncle, life partner to bob. charles renteria, ca. 1950s portrait of a queer american family; east los angeles, ca - 1978 // photographed by martha … Continue reading requiem for charles renteria, my uncle – a gay man born in 1932.
requiem for pan’s fifth.
julius warhol, paul frank/andy warhol foundation; ca. 2002 i'd kicked myself after the fact for not wearing my vintage paul frank tee that day, a collab with the andy warhol foundation, circa early aughts. maybe that's what led to the fate of pan's fifth, i thought. we'd stayed until the museum closed, having wandered the … Continue reading requiem for pan’s fifth.
one year — from there to here.
one year -- from there to here. 11 august 2018. from there. from there on the couch. where i would wake at three a.m. one ordinary saturday morning, out of my doze to find my partner, then. dead on the floor, not yet forty years old. a cruel trick of the fates, i'd find myself … Continue reading one year — from there to here.
for Our love & for that morning.
alcatraz federal prison, 22 november 2018; photographed by pan ellington I stood on the top deck at the back of the boat, hands in my pockets, wondering at the depth and warmth of the darkness and the very bright light of the moon. It would be my first adventure without Her, something I’d wanted to … Continue reading for Our love & for that morning.
the north lawn legacy of george herbert walker bush.
trump magazine covers by artist edel rodriguez; 2016–2018. I’ve been sitting here watching all of America lose it’s mind for the past five days, extolling the virtues of former President and World War II Navy Hero George Herbert Walker Bush, who passed away peacefully last Friday at the age of ninety-four surrounded by loved ones … Continue reading the north lawn legacy of george herbert walker bush.
queer history & us versus them.
crowd in front of the stonewall inn, new york city, ca. 1969; photographer unknown My first semester at City College, that’s when I met Ruben. I’d noticed him right away, in U.S. History class. The way you do when you’re family. Not the first gay I saw in the wild there, but the first I’d … Continue reading queer history & us versus them.
samoline avenue — an excerpt from a work in progress.
samoline avenue, circa 1981; photographed by pan ellington. I beat my alarm by two minutes, this day beginning for me like they all do. Up at six thirty to be at school by eight, I clear my eyes, feel them focus on the textured ceiling of my bedroom, probably toxic, and long since destroyed by … Continue reading samoline avenue — an excerpt from a work in progress.
empty and heavy.
I’d seen the news break as I moved from the couch to my bedroom early that Sunday morning. Half here, half there, I don’t remember exactly what I’d read. A shooting. A nightclub. Orlando. Then I drifted off to sleep again, an echo of a long ago Tuesday. I don’t remember exactly what I was … Continue reading empty and heavy.
that something, that place, & the fear.
Living life on the fringe is not a new thing for me. Even as a kid, the mothers at school often told me, “You march to your own drumbeat.” And I had a father that let me. Or rather, was relatively absent, wrapped up in work, emotionally unavailable — your typical blue-collar man. Of course, years later … Continue reading that something, that place, & the fear.