that sunday at work; 20 march 2022. after a while and so many things, a succession of life and lives and friendships exploding and ending, it just got to the point where all i wanted was a little fucking peace, brother. and after another while i would find it. in my own little world, in … Continue reading into the light – the return of the pan.
weekend sleepover with tom; los angeles, ca; 2010. he, most definitely, was not planned for. i'd started at city college not long before and was working at a dog rescue slash indoor daycare as an attendant - adding another dog to the house, the furthest thing from my mind. they'd named him tom at the … Continue reading song for edgar ellington – king of the laundry, prince of cats.
it used to be that just about seven or eight o'clock every night i'd smoke myself a tightly packed bowl before settling in to my little ikea sectional and what had become my nightly ritual. popping my earbuds in, i'd close my eyes and press play, sometimes an album, sometimes a playlist, mine or sometimes … Continue reading lost music, tom’s diner, & little nas x at the arch of the rainbow.
my name is pan ellington and i am the queer trans sun of martha renteria & harry young. i write this requiem in honor and memory of carlos renteria, my uncle, life partner to bob. charles renteria, ca. 1950s portrait of a queer american family; east los angeles, ca - 1978 // photographed by martha … Continue reading requiem for charles renteria, my uncle – a gay man born in 1932.
julius warhol, paul frank/andy warhol foundation; ca. 2002 i'd kicked myself after the fact for not wearing my vintage paul frank tee that day, a collab with the andy warhol foundation, circa early aughts. maybe that's what led to the fate of pan's fifth, i thought. we'd stayed until the museum closed, having wandered the … Continue reading requiem for pan’s fifth.
one year -- from there to here. 11 august 2018. from there. from there on the couch. where i would wake at three a.m. one ordinary saturday morning, out of my doze to find my partner, then. dead on the floor, not yet forty years old. a cruel trick of the fates, i'd find myself … Continue reading one year — from there to here.
tiny book #1, ca. 2000 - 2006 // photographed by pan ellington. i first wrote this line on the very first page of the very first tiny notebook i ever carried. begun years ago, the specific number of which i will forgo mentioning here. it was one of those lines that tend to pop into … Continue reading life and death in one hour.
alcatraz federal prison, 22 november 2018; photographed by pan ellington I stood on the top deck at the back of the boat, hands in my pockets, wondering at the depth and warmth of the darkness and the very bright light of the moon. It would be my first adventure without Her, something I’d wanted to … Continue reading for Our love & for that morning.
This is a bittersweet fucking story to write. Only this far in, my eyes already filled from flipping through, trying to choose the first photo that I’ll use. She was unlike any other that had been in my life before that. My previous a Labrador / Pit Bull mix that came to be known as … Continue reading strong and loving — song for stuart elizabeth ellington.