experiment 39 : 30.

check it.

my winter break this year is the first time i’ve had more than a couple weeks off from school in i can’t remember how many semesters
and lemme tell you something,
i fucking needed it, man.
plowing through school the way i have been
hasn’t left me much time to nurture my creative side*
work on my novel
or, how ’bout this?
read for pleasure.
it feels fucking good to have been able to do all that.
so, so grateful.

i’ve had ‘paris spleen’ on my bookshelf since, like, 2000.
finished yesterday.

one of the beautiful things about literature for me, is stumbling upon a text, particularly one that is older, and seeing within it something of yourself, or discovering something that you always felt but could never articulate exactly.  i had one of those moments reading this :

“dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied with myself, i long to redeem myself and to restore my pride in the silence and solitude of the night.  souls of those whom i have loved, souls of those whom i have sung, strengthen me, sustain me, keep me from the vanities of the world and its contaminating fumes; and You, dear God! grant me grace to produce a few beautiful verses to prove to myself that i am not the lowest of men, that i am not inferior to those whom i despise.”

there is so fucking much i love about this quote.  the “souls” line, in particular.  the idea that the connections we cultivate with others don’t truly end, but rather, transform into the kind of experience that informs the person we are in the present.

what we do and the art we make.

i love the idea of that.
it makes the endings of things a little less painful.
infuses joy into the heart of things.

joy into the heart of things.  

*i know that fucking sounds new agey, but how else was i supposed to put it, wordsmith?

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